Bitches & Blunts.

ACTS GAY BUT SAYS HE’S STRAIGHT FRIEND ADAM: Gizzy’s good guy friend who acts like a complete flamer but says he loves the vagina and claims he has slept with over 100 women even though no one has ever seen him take a girl home.

ANNE: Lucky’s generic term for a girlfriend. In some posts, Anne refers to Leslie. In others, Anne is Nicole. It really doesn’t matter who is who.

ANTHONY: Gizzy’s best guy friend with a penis.  He loves strippers and tries to give Gizzy a guys point of view on love but it is usually slightly off and weird.

BEARCAT: Lucky’s office’s mascot.

BEAST/WHORE #1: The first whore that Snoop-Linus cheated on Gizzy with 3 months into their relationship who is is a fat man cow whore.

BERIKA: Lucky’s half-enemy, half-girlfriend. Berika is friends with Rhianna, part of “Biffles.” Berika was a poisonous evil to Lucky’s relationship with The Has Been Matt McFaggot.

BETTY: Gizzy’s friend who is a serial monogamist with a 3 year old child who is about to go through her second marriage at 25.

BIFFLES: The joint company of Berika and Rhianna. It’s lame, but it wasn’t Lucky’s doing. Biffles is evil and should be feared by all.

BIPOLAR EX: Gizzy’s semi-ex boyfriend who recently confessed his undying love for her but there’s also a rumor that he is bipolar and unstable.

BOB: One of Gizzy’s old bosses at WHORGAN MANLY who would give her predictions on what the stock market would do but also predictions on her life and how it would be a gigantic failure and she should just kill herself now.

BRADLEY: A guy Lucky met when she went to a concert ALONE. She gave him her number, stupidly, and he tried to take her out to the Olive Garden. He also talks about himself in the third person.

BRI: Gizzy’s drinking pal that she met through ACTS GAY BUT SAYS HE’S STRAIGHT FRIEND ADAM who also knows HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON & CO.

BUTTONS: Lucky’s best friend, aside from Gizzy. Buttons is also friends with Gizzy, too. Buttons is a married gal, and went on a vacay with a 40-year-old lezzie—not by choice.

C AND B: Lucky’s pool friends, who are a couple. B is the chick, C is the dick.

CAPTAIN: Gizzy’s co-worker who texts her who plays the role of Captain Morgan and is the biggest flirt known to man.

CHESTER THE MOLESTER: Whom The Has Been Matt McFaggot looked like when he tortured Lucky with The Stache, during their short-lived relationship.

CHUCK: Gizzy’s old roommate who has meat flaps for a vagina.

COLORADO: Guy Lucky and Gizzy went to high school with. Pathological liar, man whore, snowboarder.

CRYSTAL: Captain’s girlfriend of 3 years who is large and in charge and will beat a ho up.

DANNY: Guy Lucky got set up with. Cute, blonde, fauxhawk, but a horrid double-texter.

DISGUSTING TRASHY CHEATING BASTARD EX: Lucky’s most recent ex-boyfriend. Also referred to as Cubby, pre-cheating days.

DOUCHEAROO: Gizzy’s exboyfriend that she runs into occassionally who prides himself on being the biggest douchebag to ever walk the planet.

DRAKE 2.0: The black penis the Gizzy was scared of encountering.  He was hot and looked like Drake.

ELLA: Gizzy’s 6 year old sister that is sassy.

FATSO: Lucky’s coworker that she wants to murder. He’s fat, disgusting, and wears mandals and Hawaiian t-shirts. His office is on the other side of Lucky’s, unfortunately.

FLYNN: A guy Lucky tried to pursue at the local Red Lobster. He ditched her for a waitress so she told him to fuck off.

FOUR LOKO: Liquid cocaine, introduced to Lucky by way of C and B.

FRAT: The loser Lucky caught texting her disgusting trashy cheating bastard ex…but is currently using him for sex, because he is incredibly hot.

FRED: HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON’S best friend and Gizzy’s main source of information regarding HOTTIE.

FRED (II): Guy Anne has been trying set Lucky up with for months {was put on hold because of The Has Been Matt McFaggot}. Lucky is interested, but needs more info before making a proper assessment.

FRITO: Nicole’s ex-boyfriend who is deaf and says things like, “Chapta Cwosed.”

GARBAGE: Gizzy’s arch nemesis and 1 person she would murder if given a get out of jail free card.  One of Snoop-Linus’ friends and Mercedes lovah who has screwed each of them out of everything under the sun.

GARGLES SWAB: A potential new employer for Gizzy, they have run her through the ringer and she is currently waiting to take an exam on her long division skills.

GIGI: Gizzy’s crazy old roommate that she drinks with and goes to for love advice.

HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON: A friend of Snoop-Linus’ who Gizzy lusts after.

JODI: The evil administrative coordinator who is out to ruin Lucky’s life.

JOHN MAYER: Lucky’s future husband; he just doesn’t know it yet.

LESLIE: Lucky’s girlfriend who is also kind of friends with The Has Been Matt McFaggot, Berika, Rhianna, or Biffles.

LEZZIE: Lucky’s general term for lesbian.

LOOPY: Anne’s friend, who is also friends with Fred (II). She stole a bottle of wine from a random cowboy’s birthday party.

LOSERVILLE STAFF: Lucky’s coworkers. All of them, including Fatso.

MANDY: Evil spa manager at Lucky’s glorified tanning bed.

MARKO/MARKO POLO: Loser Leslie tried to set Lucky up with; mid-30s, receding hairline revealing a mole, owns a local deli.

MATT (THE HAS BEEN) MCFAGGOT: Lucky’s latest man failure. Lucky really liked him, then he gave her the fade away and now she wants him dead.

MERCEDES: Gizzy’s token black friend that thinks she is the best thing since sliced bread.

MERDIE: A friend of Snoop-Linus and HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON who Gizzy drinks with on the weekends.

MISHA: A girl Lucky met through Anne. Was present for the infamous Foam Finger Fling of 2010.

MP: A guy that Gizzy met her sophomore year in college that peed her bed and then lied about it and blamed it on her that she recently ran into and who has started to text her regularly.  She got him back by creating a facebook group, “MP PEED MY BED AND LIED ABOUT IT.”

NEW GUY: Actually the same person as Frat, but Lucky gave Frat a second chance after she caught him texting her disgusting trashy cheating bastard ex and didn’t want to admit it so she gave him a new name.

NICOLE: Lucky’s girlfriend who is currently planning her wedding, in which Lucky is a bridesmaid.

PEACEMAKER: Lucky’s distant crush who is serving in the Peace Corps. However, he stood Lucky up upon his latest visit to the states and they haven’t talked since.

RHIANNA: Friends with Leslie, Berika, and kind of friends with The Has Been Matt McFaggot. The other half of the evil Biffles.

ROB THOMAS: An asian guy that Gizzy met in a bar that later claimed she was using him to fulfill an asian fantasy.

SAM: Also known as The Cuddler. Lucky’s former crush from college who send sympathy booty call texts.

SCOTTY: Rhianna’s hubby.

SECRET SERVICE: Guy nicole tried to set up with Lucky, but he freaked out over the detox. Works as Obama’s secret serviceman.

SHAWN MARION: The NBA player that Gizzy had an encounter with but is afraid to blog about for fear of getting sued.

SHIT UNIVERSITY: Gizzy’s alma mater that she visits frequently for various reasons.

SHYGUY: Lucky’s DC crush, who has a girlfriend. But is still hot.

SNOOP-LINUS: Gizzy’s exboyfriend who shattered her optimistic and hopeless romantic views on love with his cheating lying ways.

SOLDIER: Guy Townie tried to fight with when he said household chores was more hard work than freedom fighting.

STEPDAD: Gizzy’s stepfather who rocks out mandals with socks, muscle tees, and has also banned Gizzy from using the oven in the summer.

STEVE WARD: Lucky’s TV crush and future husband (if John Mayer falls through).

THE STACHE: Disgusting thing that The Has Been Matt McFaggot sported for two weeks for his football team.

THE TALK: As ShyGuy calls it, the “dtr”—define the relationship. This is what Lucky was hoping to have with The Has Been Matt McFaggot  until he “dumped” her by giving her the fade like a pussy.

TOM: One of Gizzy’s old bosses at WHORGAN MANLY that invited her to see the resurrection of Jesus at church and come to his house for Easter dinner.

TOWNIE: Guy Lucky met on a boat trip over the summer. He came to visit Lucky for the worst second date of her life.

WHORE #2: The second whore that Snoop-Linus cheated on Gizzy with who has a lip ring and also resembles a man.  Gizzy walked in on Snoop-Linus and Whore #2 in his bed one morning.

WHORE #3: The third whore that Gizzy caught Snoop-Linus cheating on her with.  Snoop-Linus wined and dined this whore at Gizzy’s favorite restaurant then she slept with the quarterback of SHIT U’s football team who has herpes.

WHORGAN MANLY: Gizzy’s ex-employer who she got fired from for “being dedicated to school” after her classes were over.

7 thoughts on “Bitches & Blunts.

  1. […] hasn’t actually hurt from all of the alcohol I consumed this weekend in attempts to get over The Has Been Matt McFaggot. As horrible as it sounds, it worked for the most […]

  2. erinsiu says:

    You girls sound like a good time 🙂 Thanks for visiting my blog, I’ll be around to check up on you guys!

  3. […] know that since you’re all up to speed on your outdated Cocktails At Tiffany’s characters you’re sitting there thinking, “Wait a tick, WHORE #2 is a whore of Snoop-Linus.” […]

  4. bedfoxtales says:

    this is legit cracking me up! i can relate all too well, keep up the good work!

  5. RachaelRebelling says:

    I’m in love. This is fab!

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