Business matters.

Dear readers, it’s time I open up a little more to you. And I don’t mean physically. Let’s get intellectual.

Alright, so we all know David asked me to submit my articles and ideas over to him, right? I put my e-mail together and was reading over it for the babillionth time, when I got an e-mail from Lila, a writer I worked with on the previous magazine staff. She had replied to David’s original message of firing us, and she was kind enough to hit “Reply All.” See for yourself:

David,

First of all, I am responding late because I was too busy job hunting for the last two weeks since I was basically fired via email from some demeaning stranger. Secondly, I have a few responses to your critique of the former magazine layout. We as writers, both contributing and senior, were not allowed to conduct proper investigative journalism.

Two of my own articles that showcased real, sufficient evidence of modern day discrimination of a burlesque dancer and a gay couple shopping for furniture in a prestigious shop were both not published because they were deemed too controversial by magazine overseers, like yourself. I also had to edit other articles of mine that tackled political issues for the same censor based reasons. I would have loved to push the button as much as I could with my writing; but, unfortunately, I was not allowed to. Therefore, I (and other writers that received the same criticism) adapted to a new style of writing – one that was fun, simple and non-controversial. Let me tell you, people like it.

We had a great following in 2010, and I am proud of all the work we have done. There, I really don’t appreciate such harsh criticism from an outside source.

As far as your undercover investigation of our publication, I can only see you as a coward. I agree ten-fold that you were very unprofessional in the way you chose to email our staff with such negative insight. The proper way to handle this situation would have been to email us with your initial thoughts and given us some constructive criticism, rather than firing most of us and staffing a new group of people to write a secret, pilot issue without any of our consent. I have found another job, as I’m sure most of the former staff has, so I can only wish you the best of luck with the new publication. Just remember, this is an entertainment magazine. If you try to knock heads for the most up-to-date hard hitting issues in the area, you will lose. Most importantly, readers have developed a relationship with the magazine and will always expect the same spunk its writers have always had. Take care and good luck.

Signing out,

Lila

I agree with her (as Ray J says) one-hun-ed percent. I wish I had the balls, yet the grace to write something as equally true. But I didn’t. Instead, I’m a sellout. It’s not that I need the money, because I don’t. It’s not that I need the experience, because I don’t. It’s just that, as a writer, I’ve stood my ground that I’m never too good for any publication. I write for all types of different audiences, for all types of pay, sometimes I do it for free, just to get my name out there.

I went ahead and sent my clips and ideas to David, and this is what he wrote me:

Lucky,

Your clips are pretty good, but I have questions about your interviewing techniques.  May I suggest a good read to you?  Check out the Art of the Interview by Larry Grobel.  While I can see that you are developing your voice as a writer in a style that is more editorial and magazine-y than a newspaper would be, I don’t see evidence that your journalistic technique has evolved correspondingly.  Interview techniques for a daily are much different than they are for a magazine, much as they would be different for a Larry King-like program than a Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Grobel was/is a longtime contributor to Playboy, and I think that he has fantastic insight as to what makes for a great interview, and his book has many great tips and tricks, as well.

Please see below; I have commented on some of your pitches and accepted some outright, with deadlines and (rough) pay estimates, as well.  Let me know if you have any questions about the changes and tweaks that I have asked for.  Thanks again for your interest, and if you are not busy on Friday I would love to meet with you.  Do you have any time in the afternoon? 

Regards,

David

I was pretty pissed. I am all for being a tough editor, if it is for the sake of learning and improvement. I’m not for cutting someone down, just to be a complete asshole. I wanted to meet this guy, so I set up a time to go to his office.

Before I got there, I was about to lose my shit. I was on the verge of tears, yet I was feeling angry and confused. I didn’t know if I should go through with the meeting or just blow him off.

When I got there, I finally saw him—a douchey wannabe in a crap ton of Polo and Abercrombie, all cinched together with a gold Jesus belt-buckle. No seriously, that’s what he was wearing.

After he cussed a bunch, asked me why I refused the coffee he offered, and told me he would straight up kill himself if he’d been up since 6 am like me, I got the idea that this fag maggot was simply trying to be cool. And it was pissing me off.

OH I’M SORRY, sir, that I get up with the rest of working American citizens. THAT’S when I drink coffee. We don’t live in a city where it’s acceptable to stay up at all hours of the night, like LA or NYC, mmmk? So get your shit straight, knot your tie a little tighter, and let’s talk business.

I told him I didn’t appreciate his e-mail, that he didn’t know me, and that he needed to get over himself if there was any chance of us working together. He laughed in my face, reminded me of how awesome he was, and gave me my first assignment.

As I said before, this could be a bumpy ride, but I’m going to stick it out for a bit and see how it goes. In less than 24 hours, I completed his limp dick assignment.

He’ll probably hate it, but that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.