Gizzy re-enters the dating world

Last Tuesday just as I was getting off work the one friend I have in my city texted me and told me to come meet her at a bar, there were some friends of hers there that she wanted to introduce me to.  So I went, and when our server walked up I was speechless and a little flabbergasted at how hot he was. It was so bad that every time he walked by I got distracted and found myself staring.  Embarrassingly enough, he caught me on more than one occasion.  Needless to say, I got to meet some new people and stare at a hot man.  

The weekend rolled around and Gigi drove down for a visit Saturday night, she had just gotten back from a week long trip to Puerto Rico with Chuck, Nutter Butter, and some other people.  I was nervous about the trip because I assumed Nutter Butter would hook up with someone and I didn’t know if I was ready to handle hearing that.  She called me when they got back and told me he didn’t do anything so I could rest easy.  When she got to my city on Saturday and we went to lunch she told me that she had a sit down talk with him and was asking what really happened in our relationship.  He basically confirmed my worst fear and what I suspected all along, he just wanted to hook up with me.  It had always been a fantasy of his, that’s all it was to him, he’s also still in love with his ex-girlfriend but she’s married and lives 3000 miles away.  I got used.

That pissed me off enough to be all, “Lets get wasted tonight and find hot men!!!” And that we did. We went to the same bar from Tuesday and sure enough the same hot server was working and was our server again.  I expressed to Gigi how hot I thought he was and that I kind of have a staring problem and can’t look away, so we came up with a plan for me to start up a conversation with him outside of our drink order.  Earlier that day Betty had forwarded me a dick pic from her exboyfriend.  I had a good laugh because it was the guy standing infront of a mirror full on naked with a flaccid penis.  I couldn’t understand why any guy would send a flaccid penis pic, so that’s what I was going to ask this guy because I can’t break the ice in a non-awkward/not showing him another guy’s penis way.  I showed him the picture and he sat down and analyzed with us.  The rest of the night any time he had a free minute he’d come and sit down to talk with us and hung around for an extra hour after his shift ended.

To my surprise, he has already graduated college and has a full time job as a teacher but does the serving thing part time.  Before he left that night he asked for my number and asked if I wanted to go boating with him Monday…

…To be continued.

My dad’s kinda guy.

My dad’s the kinda guy
Who you’ll get along with
You’ll sail the open seas
Laugh when the sun goes down
And share the catch of the day

But when the boat docks
He’ll deconstruct the ship you built
Replacing the polished wood
With bricks of dirt
Turned from the bowels of the ocean

My dad’s the kinda guy who starts shit
He remembers the things
You’ve blocked from your memory
For good reason
“Hey, hey remember that time you were super embarrassed? Yeah that was hilarious”

My dad’s the kinda guy
Who took his daughter to lunch
And said he was leaving
Packed his shit and left
Right after dessert
He’s the kinda guy
Who dates before the divorce is final
Who still shit talks the mother of his daughter
Even 10 years after the split

My dads the kinda guy
Who’s got 2 ex wives
Who is happy with the common law
Because he won’t actually marry his girlfriend
But he’ll live in her house
Sleep in her bed
And judge his neighbor for doing the same

My dad’s the kinda guy
Who didn’t pay child support
Who left his wife and child to fend for themselves
Until he was served in court and threatened with jail

My dad’s the kinda guy who
Hates valentines day because of jewelry commercials
Because women shouldn’t expect a damn thing
He’s the kinda guy who doesn’t drive on holidays
Because that would mean seeing family
He doesn’t mow the grass on Sundays
But he doesn’t go to church
He doesn’t put up a Christmas tree
Because he’s just too good for things like that

He’s the kinda guy who makes everything a contest
But there is no prize

My dad’s the kinda guy who had
A full scholarship
And dropped out of college after one semester
Because it was too hard
He’s the kinda guy who doesn’t say congratulations
For things like graduating college
Getting a job

He’s the kinda guy who wants to know why you called
“Did you have something to say?”

He lives in fantasy land but
Still believes life should be hard

He’s the kinda guy who doesn’t give out his address
Not even to his family
Because everyone is out to get him
He’s the kinda guy who hates suburbia
But refuses to live in the country
He’s the Mr Wilson to my Dennis the Menace
He’s the kinda guy
Who will fire his entire staff
Just because he can
Who still expects a game of thrones on Father’s Day
Like he deserves to be king

He is a catch 22

So if you meet him
And the ship doesn’t sail so smooth
Consider that
A success story

Motivation

I can’t remember if I told you all last year about how my company offers a health and wellness program during the summer. Last year I was hired into the company about halfway through it, but I still signed up because the incentives were nice. You get $100 if you complete the program, along with weekly prizes for meeting goals. The prizes are pretty awesome too, and not just a “chance to win” type of deal – last year I won a massage, a gift card to a health foods store, and sunglasses. The best part about the program is that each person also gets a health coach. Last year my health coach was Gary. He’s about 65 and I’m pretty sure was an ex-drill sergeant for the military. Gary thought I was a slacker and basically hated my guts because of it.

The program works like this, you go in to the health and wellness office to sign up for the program, they assign you a coach and within the next week or so you meet with the coach to get your supplies, set your goals, and get all the info. Last year when I met with Gary I was a little taken aback because he was so fierce. They give you a little pedometer watch that tracks your heart rate and God knows what else. Gary put the fear in me when he said YOU DO NOT TAKE THIS OFF FOR ANY REASON! So I set my daily fitness goals, which was like a measly 2 or 3 miles, and Gary wrote down a grocery list and meal plan for me. I followed the meal plan for like half a day because Gary is old and put crap like calf’s liver on it. I mean first of all, if I was up for eating calf’s liver where would I even buy such a thing? Second, no. The other piece to this puzzle is that every morning by 11am I was to send Gary a list of everything I ate the previous day so he could track my progress. Gary got real pissed when I started eating Wendy’s and pizza in place of calf’s liver and brussel sprouts. He also told me absolutely NO BEER, which is a rule I broke within hours of meeting with him. It got so bad that he would start calling me around lunchtime to see if I made sure to pack my veggies. Ok, DAD. However, I did meet my fitness goals so I won the prizes I mentioned before, but that wasn’t good enough for Gary.

So this year when I went into the wellness office to sign up I asked the Program Coordinator to not assign me to Gary. She had a good old laugh, because she knew what I had gone through the previous year. Then she was all, oh no, I HAVE JUST THE PERFECT COACH FOR YOU! So I was all awesome, wish me God speed if that person is anything at all like Gary. So Friday at lunch I walked over to the office again to meet with my coach, Trey.

I walked into Trey’s office and to my surprise he was young, and really hot. So we went over my fitness and food plan, luckily Trey gave me a list of normal foods to eat and he was being all yeah lets run together and saying he could show me how to make some cool dishes with the foods he had put on my grocery list, so we exchanged numbers. As I was sitting there I was thinking, well having HIM as a coach will certainly be some motivation not to screw it up this time. So before I left I asked Trey what his deal was, how he landed his job ended up in our city, etc. He told wme that he had worked at our company as an intern while he was in college, and when he graduated 2 weeks ago they promoted him. So at best, he’s probably 23. And I’m still 28. Christ.

Getting back to business.

The last time I met with Lopez, it was important to me that I talked to him about me.

Sure, technically everything we talk about is related to me, since he is my counselor. But really, I’m scared of losing myself in my relationship with D. It’s really important to me to remain true to my friends, my job, and mostly, my hobbies and things I like to do without D around.

A few weekends ago, I realized that I wasn’t making the most of my Saturdays and Sundays, which would send me to work Monday in a bad mood. I couldn’t pinpoint what the problem was until I really thought it through.

On Saturdays and Sundays, D works all day, so it’s the perfect opportunity for me to have “me” time or meet up with my girlfriends, hit the gym, or whatever I please. But for some reason, I hadn’t been acting on that and instead was just sitting around being a sloth and watching tv.

So these last few weekends, I’ve made a little to-do list for myself, even if it’s just “go to Sephora” or something fun and easy like that. When I actually do the things on my list, I feel productive and it feels like I made good use of my time.

Does it sound ridiculous? It’s a little weird to me that I have to make a list or whatever, but after talking to my counselor, I’m starting to see the reasons why.

For starters, most of my relationships have been abusive and particularly manipulative, so I have a habit of losing myself in relationships. When things ended with BEX, it was also the end of a bad string of guys, leaving me with no idea who I was, at all. If I felt sad about something, I would question that—should I feel sad?

Many hours of conversations have been spent with me asking Lopez, should I feel like this when this happens??? It’s been a tough ride.

Second of all, because my previous relationships have been so dysfunctional, I’ve never been in a relationship where things were just “okay” or just coasting or whatever. It’s always been some extreme high or an extreme low.

I cannot tell you the number of Saturdays I must have spent in bed crying, thinking BEX was mad at me, texting him apologizing for nothing, or seeing what he was doing and if we could meet up later.

Now, it’s not like that because there aren’t any questions. D is never mad at me, and he always comes over after his shift ends. So I’m left with hours to myself and not a clue with what to do! What do you all do on the weekends to unwind?

Hi, Betsy!

Over the weekend, D informed me of some pretty cool news: Not only was E’s graduation coming up, but D said her mom wanted me to be there.

WOW! I am so in, right?

The kindergarten graduation ceremony begins at 9:30 Friday morning, so I took the day off work. After the ceremony me, E, D, and E’s mom (D’s ex wife, just to be clear) are going out to lunch to celebrate.

D said he was going to buy E a bouquet of flowers for the occasion. Flowers? Psshh.

I ventured to Target in search of the perfect gift; nothing too flashy, but something to show that I care, and that I’m cool, and that she should like me, dammit.

I really wanted to get a “Graduation Barbie”…which, turns out that even though Barbie is a mom and a doctor and a veterinarian and President, she didn’t graduate. So I was left wandering down the Barbie aisle.

Eventually, I came across the Barbie Pocket Learner:

Yeah, looks awesome, right?

According to the packaging, this little gadget has 24 interactive activities including logic, vocabulary, numbers, and more! You can even send Barbie “emails.”

I was pretty stoked that I found a cool-looking toy that was somewhat educational for a low price. So, I grabbed some wrapping paper and headed home.

Sunday morning, while making the obligatory call to mom, I was messing around with the pocket learner, planning on getting my number-game on, you know?

So I turn it on, and it’s Barbie’s pretty face, paired with some danceable tunes, and Barbie says to me, “HI BETSY!!!!”

Ohhhhh fuck.

My mom hears this and says, “But her name isn’t Betsy!”

I know this fact, and also know that if E turns on this toy and it says Betsy and not “E” I am doomed FOREVER.

So I search through the toy, looking to where I can customize it and make it say E and not Betsy. Who is this Betsy? Some lil whore whose mom was off looking at frozen pizzas while Betsy was left in the Barbie aisle customizing all of the pocket learners.

I had no luck, so I went to Google and looked up the instructions (the learner was still in its package, mind you) and still had no luck.

But the pieces started coming together—it was a toy for 3+, didn’t have any complex instructions, and chances are, it had no real customizable capabilities.

Then, it finally clicked. Barbie was saying, “HI BESTIE.”

Not Betsy. Le sigh.

Stop calling me fat, you fatty.

It’s nothing new that I cannot stand the janitor lady that works in our office. I’ll call her Jennifer Lopez because it starts with the same letters as “Janitor Lady,” and because she has a big ass. No seriously, it is the biggest ass I’ve ever seen.

EVER.

Everyone in the office is always SO excited to see her and they are all, “HEY JENNIFER, GOOD MORNING JENNIFER,” blah blah blah.

But I’d noticed that whenever I do say hello, or good morning, she comes back with something snippy. One day, when she was emptying my trash, I asked her how she was.

“I’m tired,” she said.

“Me too,” I replied.

“Well at least you get to sit down all day,” she said.

Umm ok, thanks, bitch.

That was two years ago and to this day, I don’t say anything when she comes into my office.

Yeah, I get it, her job sucks. But you don’t have to take it out on me.

Last year, I wore a dress and some boots to work one day. Jennifer Lopez was quick to tell me my legs looked “thick.”

Thanks. Bitch.

About two Fridays ago, someone in our office brought a box of donuts for breakfast. I am still sticking to my plan of eating clean, but I’d been to the gym 3 times that week and figured a little sugar and bread would be an okay treat.

I was standing in the break room, pouring some coffee and nibbling on a donut, when in walks J-Lo.

“Look at you, eating that big ole donut. You going to eat that?” she asked me.

My blood started to boil.

“Yes I am,” I said.

“I guess you can,” she said.

“Excuse me? You guess?” I said. “I can eat whatever I please.”

“I guess so, you’re small enough,” she said. “But you know your weight fluctuates.”

I didn’t say a fucking word and I breezed by her with my donut in tow. Bitch.

She’s trying to call me out for eating one lowsy donut when A. I can and will do whatever I want, B. I am skinny, and C. Shut the fuck up.

This is the same woman that is so big, she is facing diabetes medication if she doesn’t slim down, and yet I still she her eating McDonald’s all the damn time. So fuck off.

I am over any attempt at being nice, I don’t care if I am huge, you do not speak to me like that.

The following week, I walked into the kitchen to grab my afternoon snack (an apple and a slice of low-fat cheese), when what do I see? Oh, Jennifer Lopez getting a bag of Fritos and a Sprite from the vending machine.

It took everything I had not to say, “Look at you eating that entire bag of greasy chips and that sugary Sprite! It oughta send you right into a diabetic coma, you fat bitch! Have a fantastic day!!”

Hey Lopez, stop avoiding me!

Today, I finally get to see my counselor.

That sounds super crazy, I know, but the last two visits with Lopez, he’s been all “Well it sounds like things are pretty good, so let’s try visiting every 3 weeks.”

Um are you hearing the same conversation I am hearing, because to me, it sounds like I need to stick to the 2-week regimen before I go insane. Mmmkay??

I don’t know what it is, but the past month, I’ve been pretty depressed. I think it’s a combination of several things that’ve got me down; troubles at my job, issues with my freelance work, sometimes relationship issues, family stuff, money… blah blah blah.

And sometimes I just wonder if there’s simply an ebb and flow to the way I feel. Sometimes I’m in a good mood, sometimes I’m in a really bad mood, and other times I don’t want to get out of bed.

When D and I first got together, I found myself not really knowing what to do in the moments we weren’t hanging out. Yeah, once again, sounds really crazy, I know. But the relationships I’ve had in the past haven’t really been relationships…and we haven’t spent much time together.

I’ve never been dating someone who makes time to see me almost everyday. So when D is at work all day on a Saturday, I find myself wondering what to do. Before I was in a relationship, a Saturday might be spent doing freelance work, hitting the gym, or taking a walk to the Starbucks downstairs and posting up with a book and a latte.

But I can’t bring myself to do those things (freelance, yes, if I’m on deadline) for some reason. Part of me thinks I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts, which Boots told me that if I were reading a book, technically I’d be alone with someone else’s thoughts…and then I corrected him to say that every time I sit down to read a book I read a few pages and then realize I have no idea what I just read.

Maybe it’s just stress?

I was thinking the other day about my dating past, and I realized that I’ve never been in a relationship that was just good. Where things were just good. It was always on some extreme high or incredible low; I was always an emotional mess.

So when D and I part ways, say in the morning before work, and we kiss each other goodbye and wish each other a good day, sometimes I find myself stepping into my car and asking myself, “Is he mad at me?”

Simply because I am used to a guy getting pissed at me for some dumb reason or there always being some sort of drama. I’m not used to just being.

Baggage is a bitch.