BACK!!!!!!!!!

Hey guys!

If you’re still reading this blog, THANK YOU. Once again, I apologize that we have gone missing. We are both still alive!!

I feel like everything has happened since 2014 even started, and then when I sit down to write about it, I don’t even know where to start or what to say.

Truthfully, the reason for me not blogging lately is because I’ve just been SOOOO busy. And no, I don’t mean that in the sense of, omg I’m so busy and I’m so kewl.

I mean that in, I have been working my ass off. I’m lucky (heh heh) if I get a few hours of sleep each night.

So, I suppose I’ll just start with that.

Remember Fatso? My coworker? Well, when I came back to work after the holiday break, he got fired. Seriously. The DAY we got back from a 2-week break, he was fired. Like I was here, in my office, and he got fired.

Okay, you get the point.

Well, I was kind of shocked and not surprised all at once, because, let’s face it, he was a little crazy.

But at the same time, stuff changed IMMEDIATELY. Not only was the energy in the office different, but our web team of 5 was knocked down to 4. One of those workers being a temp, so in March our team of 4 became 3.

And while that sounds exciting, guess who has been picking up the slack? THIS MOTHER FUCK.

Did I get a raise? Nope.

The part of Fatso’s job that I’m covering (and have been covering for 4 months) is a giant social media job that pretty much never stops.

I’m not going to lie to you, I have a little more respect for the guy now that I’m doing his dirty work.

And so, not only did the work at my day job pick up, but I’ve still had to maintain my busy freelance schedule so I can ay my bills and occasionally pay for some fun stuff.

So, things have been rough, to say the least.

But, I’m currently working on a plan to present to my boss to see if I can get a raise, therefore lowering some of my freelance workload. Has anyone out there ever done that?

I need all of the help, advice, and encouragement I can get.

HELP.

I promise, I’ll talk to you guys soon!!!

xoxo

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Why am I being punished?

Hey guys!!

I’m sorry it’s been forever—I have SO much to tell you & I promise, there is REASON for me not being around to tell y’all about my exciting life. However, we’ll get to that on a rainy day. Today, I’ve got a little story for you and I hope you’ll weigh in.

Exactly one week ago, I was a guest on my friend’s video podcast. It was a short 40-minute live comedy act and it was pretty funny. The audience was mostly men, and as soon as the show went off-air, some of these guys were texting my friend wanting to know who I was and if I was single.

Oooohhhh heeeeeyyy!!

So one of these guys, we’ll call him MAP, sends me a message on Facebook and after a few exchanges, he asks me for my number. We text a little more and then he asks me if I want to get a simple drink on Friday (yes, Valentine’s Day).

I say yes, and I was pretty excited about it.

At first, I got the vibe that this guy was genuine, nice, he has a good job, owns a condo, has a car, has a degree, is involved in a softball team, has a podcast…

Overall, I was thinking, “Hey, this guy has a life,” which is pretty attractive to me, because I’ve got a lot going on, too.

So, we meet up for drinks, and he orders a nice scotch, I got a vodka. We talked about work, our friends, things like that, but I noticed that he kept talking about his “Budget.”

Now, let’s get this straight. I, too, am on a budget. I get it. And I am NOT looking for someone who is going to swoop in and solve my money problems. However, my money issues are not something I talk about with people I’ve just met.

He was mentioning it so much, that I felt like I should pick up the tab.

So we have two drinks and leave the bar. He walks me to my door, and he goes in for the kiss, and he was holding me so tight I almost fell over. And the kiss… was very forced. Like there were (was?) teeth and tongue and I opened my eyes once because I was trying to pull away.

I went to my apartment with mixed feelings. He seemed nice, like a guy who’s got it all together, but that kiss was horrible…

However, he asked me if i wanted to hang out again and I said sure.

But since then, he’s been texting NON STOP.

Like, we’re talking, he texts me so often, I don’t even have time to answer the questions he is asking me. Sometimes, in a text, he will even ask me what time he should text me.

I don’t know what to do… I feel bad, but we’ve only been on one date and I am already feeling so smothered.

It’s one thing if we have lots to talk about, but it’s another thing, if it’s forced, and I feel like asking me questions like, “What are you having for lunch?” “What’s your political stance?” “Can you do any impressions?” is forced conversations.

Am I horrible? HELP.

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And Then High School Crush Got Engaged

That’s right, you heard correctly.  High School Crush is engaged. If you’re a new reader, just go back in our blog posts about 2 years (or from the beginning, cause he was around then too) and it will all make sense.

Last night when I got home from work I decided to look up Peanut Butta Jelly Time (as I like to call her, aka HSC’s girlfriend/now fiance) on Facebook because I had a hankering he would propose around Christmas. Because he’s one of THOSE guys.  And by one of THOSE guys I mean one of those cheap bastards that pops the question around Christmas so he doesn’t have to get you a Christmas gift on top of the engagement ring.  So a couple posts in I see where she has done a reCRAP of all the cool shit she did in 2013.  The last thing was getting engaged to her best friend, soul mate, better half, love of her life. Gag me. So I scroll down to the next post and see the typical newly engaged couple pic of them: standing up doing a half hug with shit eating grins (her gummy grin still looks exactly like Napoleon Dynamite) on their faces while her hand rests ever so subtly on his chest displaying her new bling (princess cut with the small diamonds surrounding it. Typical of what you see all the 20 somethings wearing.)

In all honesty I am indifferent about it and really don’t give a shit. I’m over him and have been for a long time.  But what I’m not over is that he (along with many other scum buckets) got away with basically two timing his now fiance at the beginning of their relationship.  And she probably has no idea that I was in the picture DAYS before they moved in together. 

This also got me thinking about something I’m sure have mentioned before: I am ALWAYS the girl that guys date/hook-up with/have one last fling with before they find “the one” and get married. I mean, do I have some kind of power that makes these assholes decide they’re ready to settle down, just not with me? 

Here’s the running list of guys this has happened with:

  1. My 2nd long term boyfriend in high school
  2. My first college boyfriend
  3. Snatch (if you remember, he’s how I met Anth and all those characters)
  4. My “football buddy” from college
  5. Bi-polar Ex
  6. High School Crush
  7. HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON
  8. Nutter Butter (not engaged YET, but says he’s currently with “the one”
  9. Snoop-Linus (also not engaged YET,  but has been with the same girl since we broke up like 4 years ago.)

Now here’s the list of exes that aren’t engaged/still in a relationship with the person they dated after me:

  1. My first long term high school boyfriend
  2. Douchearoo

It would seem that the way this weighs out is a little more than a coincidence, right?

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Hey yooooo

Hey guys!

Sorry we haven’t written in awhile! That blogging challenge did us IN.

Me and G are both alive, I think we are both just swamped at work (can you believe it)!!

I just wanted to stop by and say that our tweets for bashing The Bachelor are still alive and real, so join us tonight @Cocktailsattiff and/or under #TheBachelor

See y’all there! xoxo.

20. If you were on death row, what would your last meal be?

LUCKY

There is a restaurant that USED to be near my mom’s house….15 hours away.

They had delicious food. I’ve always known my last meal would be a meal from there…which makes me sound like a sick criminal. Here’s what I would have:

–Bread with olive tapinade

–Angel hair pasta with garlic, tomatoes, and shrimp

–Tiramisu

–And a bottle or two of Two Hands Zinfandel

GIZZY

If I’m on death row I’m not making it to the chair to get electrocuted. I’m going to kill myself by eating too much food before that can ever even happen.

My death row meal would be:

  • the petite filet and mashed potatoes from Flemmings
  • the buffalo chicken ranch wrap with buffalo chips and cheese (ranch on the side) and bud light lime from buffalo wild wings
  • a plain hamburger, fries, a chocolate milkshake, 3 chocolate chip cookies and a bottle of ketchup from mcdonalds
  • a spicy chicken sandwich, fries, a diet coke, and a bottle of ketchup from wendys
  • sushi and edamame, lots of it and a bottle of good red wine
  • 3 crunchy tacos, 2 orders of nachos, and a diet pepsi from taco bell

I think that about covers it. #fatass 

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19. What is a typical day in the life of you like?

LUCKY

Oh, like this is going to be interesting…

If it’s a Monday, then I usually wakeup around 5 am, brush my teeth, put on workout clothes, pack a bag of makeup, work clothes, and lunch, and I drive across town to do the 6:15 kickboxing class.

At around 7:15, I take a quick shower, and text my trainer to join me. Around 7:20, he joins me in the shower and we fuck until about 7:45.

Then he leaves and I get ready for work. At 8:30 I get to work, get a cup of coffee, and print off reports for the morning full of meetings ahead.

From 9-11, I’m sitting in meetings. Then I send a few emails, spin around in my chair, and eat my lunch.

In the afternoon, I usually work on freelance or look for freelance jobs or watch old episodes of Jimmy Fallon while I chat with Gizzy on Facebook.

After work, I usually get a spray tan or run errands or something equally lame … and chances are, when I get home, I do freelance or watch tv and dread going to work the next day.

GIZZY

My alarm usually starts going off at 7:15. Every day I reset it to 7:30, when that goes off I hit snooze until 7:40. Then I lay in bed looking at facebook, instagram, and twitter until 7:50 or thereabouts. Then I get up and cuss myself for not getting up at 7:15 when my “wakey wakey so you can get up and werk” alarm went off, because now I have to be at work in 10 minutes and still need to wash my face, walk the dog, put on my eye wrinkle creams, brush my teeth, and find something to wear. Fuck makeup and doing my hair, I work with all women.

About 8:30 I usually roll into work, 30 minutes late. I check emails, do financial reports, attend the occasional meeting, check facebook twitter instagram and hayday about 50 times each, and read some news articles until lunchtime.

At 12:15 every day I have an argument with myself inside my head about whether I should go home for lunch and let the dog out or if I should just order something in and sit at my desk.  Because if I leave then I have to worry about finding a parking spot when I get back and it’s cold out and qdoba and jimmy johns always sounds good and both deliver.

By 1:30 I’m usually back to work chatting on facebook with Lucky.  Which I do all afternoon while watching the clock tick.  At 4:59 I pack up my shit and wait at the door like a kid in school waiting for the bell to ring.

I’m usually home by 5:10, take the dog for a walk, lay around and watch tv until I get hungry and make dinner, then I watch some more tv.  Sometimes I work out or run. I take a shower and dry my hair, then I go to bed.

TA DAAAAA!!!

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18. A motto/quote/lyric that you live by and what it means to you.

LUCKY

AHHH!

I have so many quotes and lyrics that mean so much to me, but of course, some that stand out more than others.

“The rock candy’s melted, only diamonds now remain,”—John Mayer, Clarity

This is a line from one of my favorite John Mayer songs, and I love this line, particularly the second part of it (which I’m considering getting tattooed on me). To me, it just means you’re done with the candy-coated stuff and the only thing that’s left is the real thing. I always want my life to be real, I want the people in it to be real and true.

GIZZY

I have a lot tooooooo.  But the one that I think I go by the most is:

“When you know, you know.”

A lot of people think this is about finding a spouse, but it’s not at all.  At least for me. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I get pretty strong premonitions about certain things.  A lot of them are about relationships, but I even had one once as I was leaving my parent’s house for a quick errand about my cat dying.  The cat was an outdoor cat and would come inside only at night to sleep.  When I pulled out of the driveway I saw the cat in the middle of the field accross the street and said to myself that I should chase him down and put him inside, which was something I had never done before, but I didn’t do it. When I got home 15 minutes later my neighbor was shoveling my cat into a box off of the street because it had been run over by a car and killed.  So, I’ve been reminding myself of this quote for a while now that when I get these feelings I need to go with them.  Because when you know, you know!

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